Your Men's Journey

When I got married for the first time, nobody offered me the handbook on what it means to be a man in matrimony. Or what it truly means to be a good husband. So — what’s the key? Ask four married men and you’ll likely get four different answers. Ask four women and you might discover a few more. Yet to many men, it still feels like a guessing game. Many figure this stuff out too late, if at all, and likely find themselves headed for divorce.

My divorce and subsequent personal development journey on being a man in today’s world landed me the love of my life and a healthy relationship with my former wife. It also illuminated my life’s purpose: to work with men.

I’d like to share with you some helpful tips to aid you on your path of sustaining your marital relationship — and even growing it — simply by focusing on the core aspects of being a man in your role as a husband. I offer you four “roles” you must assume and take responsibility for and at the same time find the ideal balance amongst them:

1. Be the King of your kingdom.

A king takes full responsibility for his role. He does what needs to get done. He sees the big picture, and he knows his role and his limitations. He is a leader. In modern times, this equates to having your financial house in order, keeping your wife (the queen) safe, and providing your “kingdom” the necessary leadership. It requires being aware that how you show up affects everyone. Kings bless others, including his wife. A king respects his queen and allows her to bring her valuable perspective to key decisions.

2. Be the Modern Day Warrior.

Warriors are known for getting things done. They live by a set of values and high standards. Being a modern day warrior in today’s world requires us to live lives of integrity, be accountable for our actions, and speak and live our truth. Simply translated, this means do what you say you’ll do. And when you mess up, own it. And finally, when your wife brings all her fury to you, stand resolute in your truth. As David Deida says: “Stand in the storm of your woman and she will trust you — and desire you.”

3. Be the Interior Magician.

This role is about being introspective. The Interior Magician takes time to look closely at himself, in the interest of healing past hurts that, if unresolved, will continue to haunt him and his partner. By seeking awareness of old patterns and beliefs handed down from his father and mother, or from others in his life, a man can transcend his unconscious ways into conscious actions that support his relationships (as opposed to causing them harm).

4. Be the Lover.

The Lover is often the easiest to forget in the day-to-day responsibilities of being a husband and partner. This role is about seeing your wife for who she is, honoring her, creating sacred space for the two of you, and resolving the small stuff right away so it doesn’t begin to accumulate and eventually come back to haunt the two of you. Being the lover requires maturity, patience, passion, and honor.

My experience has been that by paying attention to these four roles, men are more able to support and healthily grow their marriages. The modern day married man aspires to be balanced in all four, even as he recognizes how circumstances may often dictate his need to be in more of one particular role at a time. Be ready for it.

As conscious men, it is our path to constantly seek the balance of these roles and, when possible, empower and mentor other men to do the same.