Your Men's Journey

For the past 12 years, I have been the poster boy for serial monogamy. I’ve been in and out of relationships with some really great women and had a couple of what-the-heck-am-I-doing-here ones as well.  Lots of bumps, bruises, fits and starts — and lots of learning and growth.

After I got divorced in my early 30’s, I felt like damaged goods, with the Big D stamped on my forehead. I had to figure out the whole dating thing all over again after having spent all of my 20’s married. And I had to learn a lot more about myself in the process. Along the way, after years of my own personal development work and training hundreds of men, I discovered a few key principles that would guide me into better and more authentic relationships with women (and with the men in my life, too).

Principle #1: Be True to Yourself

Being true to yourself is about living fully from your authentic self without apology and not trying to create an image that we think, as men, will be attractive to women. When I boldly step into bringing all of me forward with humility — the good the bad and the ugly — I find I’m more in my power as a man, naturally attracting the people that best resonate with who I am and what I want. The trick here is to spend time getting to know yourself deeply first — an inside out job that takes support from others, including a circle of male friends, coaches, therapists and/or mentors. It’s ironic: living from the True You takes support from others who help you see your masks and façades that ultimately don’t serve you.

Principle #2: Cultivate Curiosity

Being consciously willing to get really curious about your date as a person is key to opening up a richer and more meaningful connection, one that will allow you to better “see” the person in front of you. There is a powerful saying that I learned from one of my mentors that speaks to this principle: “It is always better to be interested than interesting.” What is she interested in? What makes her tick? So be curious, explore ideas together and check that guy at the door who is trying too hard to be interesting.

Principle #3: Speak Your Harder Truth

This means being honest to the core, and it’s been a hard one for me in my life, especially with women. For most of my early years in relationships, I withheld my deeper truths for fear they would hurt or upset my wife or, later, my girlfriends. By taking the risk to speak the pieces that are true for you but may create tension, conflict, or even hurt, you are respecting the woman you’re getting to know — and also respecting yourself. Even early on in a relationship, it is key to share your truth about what you see is working or not working for you, or what you want or don’t want. This isn’t about barfing your “stuff” all over her, and it’s not about being so direct that you’re hurtful with your words; instead, it shows your willingness to share what’s true for you even if you think you might be judged for it, or that she won’t like it. Ultimately, this principle is about stepping into your mature masculine and letting go of the nice guy or the good boy — neither of whom is appealing to the strong, dynamic people we say we want to be with.

Principle #4: Be Willing to Show Your Vulnerability

The core paradox for men is this: If I’m vulnerable, then I can’t be strong or powerful; and if I want to be strong and powerful, I’d better not show vulnerability. Your deep, authentic power as a man comes from your unapologetic willingness to reveal yourself to others, including your deepest feelings such as fear and sadness that may show your vulnerable side. I struggled with this for years as I worked to protect and hide my vulnerabilities. The more confidently and artfully you show those vulnerable pieces, the greater the opportunity for you to draw to you the kind of meaningful relationships that you are desiring. You’ll also find you have more power.

Principle #5: Have Fun!

As I was reviewing these principles with my girlfriend (whom I’m crazy about) and getting some much needed female perspective on all of this, she reminded me of this last principle, and that is to simply enjoy the ride and have some F-U-N. The dating scene can be daunting, tiring and, frankly, kind of crazy at times. And it’s easy to slip into being so serious about finding “the one.” So lighten up. Loosen up! Be a goofball, and find opportunities to laugh — a lot. Don’t get “stuck in the muck”, and remember not to take yourself too seriously. Life is a beautiful dance where you don’t have to know any of the steps, you just show up and let yourself simply move. The rest will take care of itself.