After I got divorced in my early 30’s, I felt like damaged goods, with the Big D stamped on my forehead. I had to figure out the whole dating thing all over again after having spent all of my 20’s married. And I had to learn a lot more about myself in the process. Along the way, after years of my own personal development work and training hundreds of men, I discovered a few key principles that would guide me into better and more authentic relationships with women (and with the men in my life, too).

Principle #1: Be True to Yourself

Being true to yourself is about living fully from your authentic self without apology and not trying to create an image that we think, as men, will be attractive to women. When I boldly step into bringing all of me forward with humility — the good the bad and the ugly — I find I’m more in my power as a man, naturally attracting the people that best resonate with who I am and what I want. The trick here is to spend time getting to know yourself deeply first — an inside out job that takes support from others, including a circle of male friends, coaches, therapists and/or mentors. It’s ironic: living from the True You takes support from others who help you see your masks and façades that ultimately don’t serve you.

Principle #2: Cultivate Curiosity

Being consciously willing to get really curious about your date as a person is key to opening up a richer and more meaningful connection, one that will allow you to better “see” the person in front of you. There is a powerful saying that I learned from one of my mentors that speaks to this principle: “It is always better to be interested than interesting.” What is she interested in? What makes her tick? So be curious, explore ideas together and check that guy at the door who is trying too hard to be interesting.

Principle #3: Speak Your Harder Truth

This means being honest to the core, and it’s been a hard one for me in my life, especially with women. For most of my early years in relationships, I withheld my deeper truths for fear they would hurt or upset my wife or, later, my girlfriends. By taking the risk to speak the pieces that are true for you but may create tension, conflict, or even hurt, you are respecting the woman you’re getting to know — and also respecting yourself. Even early on in a relationship, it is key to share your truth about what you see is working or not working for you, or what you want or don’t want. This isn’t about barfing your “stuff” all over her, and it’s not about being so direct that you’re hurtful with your words; instead, it shows your willingness to share what’s true for you even if you think you might be judged for it, or that she won’t like it. Ultimately, this principle is about stepping into your mature masculine and letting go of the nice guy or the good boy — neither of whom is appealing to the strong, dynamic people we say we want to be with.

Principle #4: Be Willing to Show Your Vulnerability

The core paradox for men is this: If I’m vulnerable, then I can’t be strong or powerful; and if I want to be strong and powerful, I’d better not show vulnerability. Your deep, authentic power as a man comes from your unapologetic willingness to reveal yourself to others, including your deepest feelings such as fear and sadness that may show your vulnerable side. I struggled with this for years as I worked to protect and hide my vulnerabilities. The more confidently and artfully you show those vulnerable pieces, the greater the opportunity for you to draw to you the kind of meaningful relationships that you are desiring. You’ll also find you have more power.

Principle #5: Have Fun!

As I was reviewing these principles with my girlfriend (whom I’m crazy about) and getting some much needed female perspective on all of this, she reminded me of this last principle, and that is to simply enjoy the ride and have some F-U-N. The dating scene can be daunting, tiring and, frankly, kind of crazy at times. And it’s easy to slip into being so serious about finding “the one.” So lighten up. Loosen up! Be a goofball, and find opportunities to laugh — a lot. Don’t get “stuck in the muck”, and remember not to take yourself too seriously. Life is a beautiful dance where you don’t have to know any of the steps, you just show up and let yourself simply move. The rest will take care of itself.

My divorce and subsequent personal development journey on being a man in today’s world landed me the love of my life and a healthy relationship with my former wife. It also illuminated my life’s purpose: to work with men.

I’d like to share with you some helpful tips to aid you on your path of sustaining your marital relationship — and even growing it — simply by focusing on the core aspects of being a man in your role as a husband. I offer you four “roles” you must assume and take responsibility for and at the same time find the ideal balance amongst them:

1. Be the King of your kingdom.

A king takes full responsibility for his role. He does what needs to get done. He sees the big picture, and he knows his role and his limitations. He is a leader. In modern times, this equates to having your financial house in order, keeping your wife (the queen) safe, and providing your “kingdom” the necessary leadership. It requires being aware that how you show up affects everyone. Kings bless others, including his wife. A king respects his queen and allows her to bring her valuable perspective to key decisions.

2. Be the Modern Day Warrior.

Warriors are known for getting things done. They live by a set of values and high standards. Being a modern day warrior in today’s world requires us to live lives of integrity, be accountable for our actions, and speak and live our truth. Simply translated, this means do what you say you’ll do. And when you mess up, own it. And finally, when your wife brings all her fury to you, stand resolute in your truth. As David Deida says: “Stand in the storm of your woman and she will trust you — and desire you.”

3. Be the Interior Magician.

This role is about being introspective. The Interior Magician takes time to look closely at himself, in the interest of healing past hurts that, if unresolved, will continue to haunt him and his partner. By seeking awareness of old patterns and beliefs handed down from his father and mother, or from others in his life, a man can transcend his unconscious ways into conscious actions that support his relationships (as opposed to causing them harm).

4. Be the Lover.

The Lover is often the easiest to forget in the day-to-day responsibilities of being a husband and partner. This role is about seeing your wife for who she is, honoring her, creating sacred space for the two of you, and resolving the small stuff right away so it doesn’t begin to accumulate and eventually come back to haunt the two of you. Being the lover requires maturity, patience, passion, and honor.

My experience has been that by paying attention to these four roles, men are more able to support and healthily grow their marriages. The modern day married man aspires to be balanced in all four, even as he recognizes how circumstances may often dictate his need to be in more of one particular role at a time. Be ready for it.

As conscious men, it is our path to constantly seek the balance of these roles and, when possible, empower and mentor other men to do the same.

Part of being a better father and husband requires that I also father the boy who lives inside of me. Put another way, being responsive to my needs and being there for myself is a pre-requisite for being there for others. Said another way: love yourself so you can love other people.

The model that most men experience growing up with a father or male figure in the house was that the man went to work, was gone all day, and came back at night for dinner. Often he was tired and cranky. Was this true for you? If “Dad” or another male figure wasn’t in the picture, either physically or emotionally, then chances were that Mom needed you to step up and fill the void and become the man of the house. This denies many young men their childhood. Whether your Dad was there or not, as a young boy you either saw a faulty model of what it means to be a man, or you were required to be a man before your time.

Regardless of your personal experience, these family-of-origin scenarios taught us to put ourselves last. As men, many of us carry this “me last” thinking with us into married life, our careers, our families, and our relationships. I have instituted four principles I attempt to abide by in finding and striking the right balance I face as a man, a father, a husband, a leader, and a businessman. I am happy to share them with you.

1. Physical exercise. Regular exercise creates energy — energy to handle all of the responsibilities required of a responsible man. This is non-negotiable.
2. Quality time with quality men. Getting and giving support from (and to) like-minded men on their path flies in the face of most men’s inclination to “go it alone.” This is another exercise that creates energy.
3. Having fun. If you don’t know what this means, then you’re way overdue! Remembering what you used to do for fun — and doing it — will recharge you in more ways than one. If you’re a father of young boys, you’ll also be able to show them what “fun” is so they don’t repeat the unhealthy pattern.
4. Asking for help. Just because we are the father, the man of the house, the leader of the company, or the owner of the business, it doesn’t mean we have to do everything ourselves. That’s an old model that doesn’t work any more. Asking for help is actually a demonstration in humility.

17, 15, 13: those are the ages of my three children. Are they teenagers, roommates or aliens? Actually, to be fair, they are just my kids. My oldest, who is my only daughter, and my two sons. Anybody with teenage children knows the emotional rollercoaster the entire family can go through while they are changing and growing up. I recently learned I don’t have to ride the rollercoaster. There is another way. My children’s emotional behavior and how I respond is a teaching and growing opportunity for them and me. This perspective has served me on numerous occasions in my parenting, and it will aid you as a parent in navigating your kids’ teenage years.

All joking aside, properly parenting teenagers into young adults is no small task. I don’t remember any specific advice from other parents of teenagers to me as I was raising my kids. I just remember the look: harried, beaten down, downtrodden, challenged, angry, frustrated, even worried. I remember fantasizing how much easier things were going to be when my children were older. (Boy, was I wrong!) What I didn’t know was how challenging it would be to manage my own emotions and reactions, be a good father, and prepare them to do the same — not just at home but in their lives as well.

The Gift

About a year and a half ago, a light bulb went on. I realized that these strange people in my house, the ones I call “teenagers,” have their own set of personal issues that not only looked familiar, but in certain instances when they triggered me, were actually mirror images of my own issues. When my teens act out emotionally, I see myself in them, and how I can act out if I’m not aware. The gift is in being aware of the choice that we as parents face in these moments. If we view these instances as opportunities to heal our stuff, then we can “grow up” our own inner teenager and show our sons and daughters how to grow themselves. It makes for a much calmer and healing environment.

For fathers, this is an opportunity to create different results in your parenting and relationships with your kids as well as a significant personal development opportunity for everyone in the family. My belief is that the clash of these issues — theirs and yours — without a different approach and set of tools is the source of much consternation for both parents and teenagers.

Path to Peace When Parenting Teenagers

With that in mind, I offer you 5 steps along the path to peace in parenting your teenagers:

1. Use the mirror. When you get upset with them, consider that your teenagers are mirroring behavior for you to view within yourself.
2. Accept the gift. Take advantage of the opportunity to inquire within yourself what’s going on FOR YOU.
3. Process your stuff. Get support from your male friends, spouse, or therapist.
4. Have empathy. For them and you. Remember that you were a teenager once!
5. Model the behavior you want to see. You are the adult and they are the child; the responsibility falls on you.

Honoring your father may be difficult for you; for others it may be easy. If you want to be a better father, there is no better place to start than with honoring your own father. I am going to challenge you to consider the following: as men, whether we like it or not, we are like our dads, warts and all. If we embrace this paradoxical truth, we will have a much easier time in our own parenting.

Simply put, those admirable qualities as well as the forgettable traits rubbed off on us growing up. Some men didn’t grow up with dads — for them it was an uncle, a grandpa, or even a stepdad. For others, it was Supermom trying to be Dad.

But here we are, grown men with memories, some good, some not so good. And to top it off, we are fathers ourselves in the midst of continuing the family cycle. Maybe you’ve chosen to emulate your father — and maybe you have succeeded to some degree. Or maybe you’ve sworn to yourself that you’re “never going to be like him.”

The harder part is what happens to that part of him we don’t want to be like. The answer for most is that we buried it, and that it lives inside of us. It’s the stuff that gets in the way of us being better fathers, husbands, and friends. And something inside of us yearns to break the pattern and be a better father, mentor, uncle, or grandpa to the young ones.

So for Father’s Day (and for the rest of your life!), I offer the following five tips to help you on your path to becoming a better man and a better father.

1. Acknowledge that you are like your father — both the good and bad aspects of our fathers find their way into who we are as men
2. Be accountable. As grown, emotionally mature men, we take full responsibility for our actions and words and consequences, intended or not. We don’t blame dad and how he raised us.
3. Have compassion. Remember that your dad or father figure had a dad, too, and that his skill set was directly related to what his experience was growing up with his father.
4. Recognize that some of his failed traits birthed your positive traits. For example, if your dad wasn’t emotionally demonstrative with his touch or words, the pain you felt from not getting that may have ensured you gave it to your children.
5. Forgive him. This is often the hardest part. Holding on to anger will block you in your life in your relationships.

Where things get messy is when we as parents fail to separate our wants from their wants and interests. While there may be an occasional  good outcome for the children, it is often our methods that can cause un-intended consequences on our unsuspecting children.

There are several things we can do as parents to encourage and promote sports as a positive and healthy choice in our children’s life.

1.Be aware of your sports past and its influence on your children

When I was a kid, my mom made me play sports; soccer, golf and tennis. The sport I liked? Basketball. The sports my mom liked? Golf and Tennis.

The back story? My mom so wanted to play sports when she was young and her parents were poor Italian immigrants and didn’t support her. Her answer to her reality? Be sure that didn’t happen to her kids.

How many of you growing up had a strong parental influence when it came to sports? Where did it get you? Did you go on to become the high school star? Did you get a scholarship? Did you end up hating the sport? Your parents? And most importantly, how are you with your kids around sports? Like your parents?Or the opposite?

2.Encourage & Expose your children to individual sports as well as team sports

One of our jobs as parents is to simply introduce our children to a variety of sports giving  them the opportunity to choose for themselves what they enjoy, without regard to  whether it is a team or individual sport.When I was young there was little or no interest or awareness of non team related sports other than those my mother had interest in like golf and tennis. Individual sports often are absent the politics of team sports and everyone gets to play. This is important in the positive development of our children’s self esteem.

3.Acknowledge them for their participation

They don’t need to be the star of the team to deserve acknowledgment. Let them know it takes courage to try new things.Take every opportunity to let them know how proud you are of them. By communicating to our children how proud we are of them, it gives us as parents the opportunity to positively influence our children in a way we may not have experienced ourselves.

4.Let them choose the sports they like

This by far was the hardest thing for me to do.My dad played football and he didn’t influence me at all in any sport. He let me choose. My mother was hell bent on tennis and golf. Neither of which I liked very much and I caved in and played tennis and competed at the varsity level. The result? I don’t play it at all and use my experience of being turned off by a parent’s insistence to play a sport to not repeat the same experience with my kids.

5.Talk to them about your sports past

I shared with my kids my victories and failures of my sports past.This has the effect of letting them know that failures are ok. It also gives them a sense of what I was like as a kid in sports and helps them relate. What it also does is give them information to remind me of when I am more invested in their success than me(this happens when they are older).

6.Unhook from your failed sports dreams and ask them about theirs

One of the most common pitfalls we as parents fall into is this unspoken, unconscious intention that our kids can complete our failed sports dreams and/or heal our sports failures by their success.About the best thing we can do is engage them in what dreams they have by getting interested and asking them what their dreams may be. We end up sending the message that what they want matters more than what we want and that what we want is in line with their wants and dreams.

7.Let them know you love them regardless of their choices and regularly check with them as to their motivation(s) in a sport

Children simply need to know we love them and that they are fine just the way they are,sports or no sports. It is also wise to double check on their motivations for a sport. I usually ask mine routinely why they like the sport, who are they doing it for, and as hard as it may feel to me, I usually remind them not to play the sport for me.

8.Sit back and watch and you may be surprised!

Basketball, mountain bike racing, and football are the sports that my kids have chosen. I recently went to a mountain bike race with my two oldest and I raced too. Never in my wildest dreams did I envision going to a race with my kids and participating not just as a parent but as an athlete too!

9.Thank Your Parents for their influence in sports as ALL of it has served you!

Thank you mom for your insistence that sports be a part of my life. It is still so today. Thanks dad for giving me the space to find my own way.

Taking ownership for our part in the divorce
As  men we  can influence the dissolution process so that a more collaborative result can occur. Part of this process requires taking a deeper look our contribution to the demise of the relationship and taking responsibility for that. This means emotionally growing up. This goes a long way in avoiding the blame game. It might even rub off on your former spouse.Rick went to a men’s weekend and learned about how many of his behaviors contributed to the demise of the relationship. While reconciliation wasn’t an option, his ownership for his part went a long way in keeping the peace.

Only from a place of new awareness can we  begin to consider a context that will serve us, our children, and our soon to be former spouse in lasting decisions that effect everyone.

Determination of a guiding principle throughout the dissolution process

Rick was clearly the wage earner and Mary was clearly the primary caregiver. As soon as it became clear to them that reconciliation was no longer viable, the first thing they did was agree on what guiding principle they would follow. It was imperative for them to understand that despite getting divorced, that they were still the parents of three children. This meant that raising the kids in as healthy of an environment as possible despite the circumstances was first and foremost. This became a guiding principle amidst their negotiations.

Be flexible in negotiations while adhering to the guiding principle

Custody of the children, whether to sell the house, what to do with the proceeds, how to deal with debt, as well as monthly support (both alimony and child support), all needed to be answered .
Rick recognized and decided that in order to make it possible for Mary to remain in the same area to minimize the disruption to the children that the remaining proceeds would go to Mary for the purchase of a home in the same county. Rick knew that as the primary wage earner with far more earning potential than Mary as well as a desire for her to remain a stay at home mom that this was the right thing to do for everybody.I know this may fly in the face of what many of you believe; think big picture, your kids, your eventual happiness.

Rick also knew he could use this gesture as a consideration for other aspects of negotiations. While this isn’t possible for many men facing divorce, the operative aspect is to be flexible while adhering to the guiding principle agreed upon..

Recognize that how you work through current financial decisions throughout the divorce sets the stage for all future financial discussions

Working through these difficult financial negotiations with a variety of old and new emotions attached is no walk in the park. With that said, commitment to a collaborative process now will create a model for all future discussions and a higher likelihood of an amicable and equitable resolutions to financial issues that arise. If its acrimonious now, chances are it will be later. Be fair to yourself and the person you loved enough at one time to consider spending your life with.

On a personal note,I can share with you that ten years later, my former wife and I still have to talk and deal with money and our success has much to do with how we conducted ourselves while going through the divorce.

Rick and Mary are remarried and still very active co-parents to their three children. They have a healthier relationship around money now than they did when they were married and have brought that into their present relationships.
To summarize, the 4 Guiding Principles to use while going through divorce are;

1. Taking ownership for our part in the divorce
2. Determination of a guiding principle throughout  the dissolution process
3. Be flexible in negotiations while adhering to the guiding principle agreed upon
4. Recognize that how you work through current financial decisions throughout the divorce sets the stage for all future financial discussions

It’s not actually the money that makes people happy. Meaningful relationships, family, a purpose filled life, are truly what matter most to people.
We can look at two very different life stories that successfully demonstrate how seeking a healthy balance between money and a quality of life are possible, regardless of whether you have lots of it and aren’t happy or have none of it and are happy but not financially responsible.

Tom is a 43-year-old young man from the Midwest who relocated to the mountains of Santa Cruz California. He never worried about money. Tom always somehow managed to get along by doing odd jobs, occasionally doing landscaping jobs which he enjoyed .He even secured himself a place to stay in exchange for maintenance of the property.

Tom recognized that if he was ever to have a family (which was part of his dream) and get married, he would need to change his survivalist ways. He would need steady income, health insurance, and eventually a home he could call his own.  Tom knew his sanctuary was in the outdoors, working with his hands and creating beautiful surroundings (much like where he lived) for his clients. He began to take on more landscaping responsibilities, learning the many various facets of the trade. He went to school to get his landscaping contractors license. Before long, he was not only making money, he was saving money. He specialized in water structures and today, nearly 28 months later, he finds himself as an owner of a thriving business and the reality of buying a home not far off in the distance. Tom’s persistence to create for himself the life worth living and the balance that comes with it are now in full view….

Tim, once a high powered attorney for a large publicly traded company, by most people’s standards, had all the outward makings of a successful life. He earned a salary of $500,000 a year, owned several million dollars of stock options, and two beautiful homes. Yet something was missing.  His 10 year old son, Andy, was his pride and joy and with the realities of being a single dad colliding with the responsibilities of his high powered job, Tim increasingly found himself disillusioned  and unhappy with his life.

Tim ultimately decided that the time for him to live his life was right now. He gave notice and quit his job while negotiating his severance. He spent almost a year spending quality time with his son. Now, as he begins his search for  a new job, he will be far more cognizant of what is truly important to him in life .When it comes time to make a decision, the ability to have quality time with his son will play a big role in her decision making process.

Both Tom and Tim did what it took to seek and ultimately experience freedom. In both instances, it was more about balance and less about money.   By investing in our self worth first, we soon can come to realize that net worth plays only a partial role .Ultimately, making financial decisions that are in alignment with our self worth will make the “life worth living” a reality.