Your Men's Journey

Three Teenage Teachers

17, 15, 13: those are the ages of my three children. Are they teenagers, roommates or aliens? Actually, to be fair, they are just my kids. My oldest, who is my only daughter, and my two sons. Anybody with teenage children knows the emotional rollercoaster the entire family can go through while they are changing and growing up. I recently learned I don’t have to ride the rollercoaster. There is another way. My children’s emotional behavior and how I respond is a teaching and growing opportunity for them and me. This perspective has served me on numerous occasions in my parenting, and it will aid you as a parent in navigating your kids’ teenage years.

All joking aside, properly parenting teenagers into young adults is no small task. I don’t remember any specific advice from other parents of teenagers to me as I was raising my kids. I just remember the look: harried, beaten down, downtrodden, challenged, angry, frustrated, even worried. I remember fantasizing how much easier things were going to be when my children were older. (Boy, was I wrong!) What I didn’t know was how challenging it would be to manage my own emotions and reactions, be a good father, and prepare them to do the same — not just at home but in their lives as well.

The Gift

About a year and a half ago, a light bulb went on. I realized that these strange people in my house, the ones I call “teenagers,” have their own set of personal issues that not only looked familiar, but in certain instances when they triggered me, were actually mirror images of my own issues. When my teens act out emotionally, I see myself in them, and how I can act out if I’m not aware. The gift is in being aware of the choice that we as parents face in these moments. If we view these instances as opportunities to heal our stuff, then we can “grow up” our own inner teenager and show our sons and daughters how to grow themselves. It makes for a much calmer and healing environment.

For fathers, this is an opportunity to create different results in your parenting and relationships with your kids as well as a significant personal development opportunity for everyone in the family. My belief is that the clash of these issues — theirs and yours — without a different approach and set of tools is the source of much consternation for both parents and teenagers.

Path to Peace When Parenting Teenagers

With that in mind, I offer you 5 steps along the path to peace in parenting your teenagers:

1. Use the mirror. When you get upset with them, consider that your teenagers are mirroring behavior for you to view within yourself.
2. Accept the gift. Take advantage of the opportunity to inquire within yourself what’s going on FOR YOU.
3. Process your stuff. Get support from your male friends, spouse, or therapist.
4. Have empathy. For them and you. Remember that you were a teenager once!
5. Model the behavior you want to see. You are the adult and they are the child; the responsibility falls on you.